Depression, the changing entity.

[Jon Borg]

While I've always tried to tell myself that I am a happy person, there was always something wrong with the statement I was telling myself. Its difficult for me to explain this, so stick with me folks...

It seems that depression isn't as simple as being able to say "I am a happy person" or saying "I always feel mental agony." From what I understand from myself, depression has crept into my life in a much more complicated form.

First let me explain a brief synopsis of my current lifestyle. I'm on my computer quite a lot. This started when I was thirteen years old, and my dad figured a good punishment for getting bad grades was locking me up in my room. I was a bright student, but I refused to do busy tedious work... such as doing pages of math homework problems that I already knew how to do. Anyway, I would be locked up in my room from the time I got home to school, until I woke up in the morning for the next school day (bathroom breaks were permitted) . All I had in that room was my computer, so I'm assuming that my escapism started there. Now the most conformable place in the world for me is my computer chair.

Though I do get out quite a lot, and I have a vast group of friends, the fact remains that much of my time is spent on that computer. The scene where depression comes in is the fact that I need to push myself to do anything tedious or requires "hard" work. And when I say "push myself" I DON'T mean that the work it difficult for me to do, I actually have to convince my mind to do the god damn work. But my entire body fights me.

For example: When I have to do some homework that I find boring, my mind starts to loose focus, I feel the incredible urge to get back on my computer, and when I'm about to start working, I feel a violent wave of anger and sadness while it takes all my mental strength just to focus on the task at hand. Other times I just forget about the work entirely, my mind ejects the memory that I have work to do. Sometimes I can even feel extra weight in my arms when I'm about to work on something that doesn't appeal to me.

I have always refused to set up an appointment with a sociologist or psychiatrist about the situation. I always believed they would just nod their heads, make little notes on their clipboard and throw me a bottle of pills. I have also refused to tell myself that I have a mental condition because it would just give me an excuse to keep being lazy.

But I talked to my mom about this very situation and she set up an appointment with a sociologist... hopefully he can help without sending me to a psychiatrist who will throw me a bottle of zoloft. I don't care how fucking depressed I am, I will never swallow a single pill of that fucking anti depressant shit. The only pill I will ever swallow is on the counter pain meds.

So, what does ipower feel about the situation? Does anybody else feel similar to the way I feel?
Oh and by the way, if you ever feel depressed and feel like your life can't get any worse... go to the Oprah "madame butterfly." You'll see that things could always be worse. Honestly seeing an Oprah that is so horribly sad, makes me feel better about my situation, but it doesn't stop me from crying when I'm watching it.

[Daniel]

the one trap i hope never to fall for is picking at myself in search of flaws, the more time thinking something's wrong / focused on the negative... the more likely you'll convince yourself of illness, right? :x "what would make me happier" is the question i like to ask myself when i'm feeling down, or rather.... "bored". the answer to that question for me is almost always just changing my current activity ^^. if i'm bored of one thing, doing something else usually fixes me up just fine, which is why i think... just plain variety in life and experience is a real preventative measure against depression. "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" hmm ^^

that's not all to say a person can't completely overcome anything and everything, to do what needs to be done and sorts ;) it may be as easy as taking a minute to stretch on the bed... and persevering afresh ^^ with an outright rational mind in timekeeping and the constructive use of ^^ pretty sure the balance will flow further over toward the long term stability in life, as opposed to the emotional benefits in the "here and now" :)
these things for which you struggle to motivate yourself... have you weighed up the advantages and disadvantages of acting upon, in comparison with delaying??

to each extreme ^^ if you're good to take on any bumps in life, a life no doubt filled with a whole bunch of every kind of emotion you can think of ^^ then spontaneity (<3) = awesome.
if you'd rather the safe passage :) working hard toward that typical view of "success" = ecomonic value... working hard in everything you do will see that you get allll the material wealth you've ever wanted / dreamed of ;)

to strive solely for one... would be ever so slightly ridiculous imo ^^ balancing out the work and the play! just as our dear friend Nicholson taught, is the view i take on life :) enjoy yourself in the present from time to time sure... but give thought to what your "present" will be like in the future ^^ that's your reason for working hard at these things, that right there is reason enough... there was a pretty amazing talk you may've missed not too long ago btw ^^ well worth the mention. talk of "success" and "responsibility"...

P.B would have me throw in a lovely little quote right about now:
"This is your life, this is not a dress rehearsal!" ^^

Alain de Botton: A kinder, gentler philosophy of success

(ack! want to look over it... but need the loo so baaaad :x.... sorry for any mistakes?)

[John X a.k.a. Googol(istic)]

:D

[Radu Cornea]

One of the few important questions I'm asking people: "Do you happen to space out while doing something repetitive?". That's what I do.

I really didn't like doing homework when I was little. I was a pretty smart kid for my age (or so I was told), and when my parents stopped supervising me, I started cutting corners. Cut corners until I actually went to school the next day and knew I didn't manage to do some of my most important homework, felt really bad. All that I can say now is that small lies have small legs, bigger lies have bigger legs. Sooner or later, you're still gonna trip, and the bigger you made it, the harder your fall.

I also felt that wave of anger and sadness, because while I gathered myself for serious homework, I always heard or saw other kids, people having the time of their life outside, meeting friends, celebrating birthdays, and I felt like a freak stooge that had to stay inside, having to reinvent the wheel in my notebook. Either that or it was already dark outside and I ended up sleeping with my face on the notebooks. Getting up and going to school after that was a bitch. Up side to all that was me, getting to know computers in great detail. Now if only I could have kids/smart conversations with these blasted computers that I got to know so well...

So, what I wanted to tell you. Think about how you can make this better. If need be, let your mind wander, thinking of the moon and stars while diverting enough attention to getting things done.

[Maxim Ustinin]

lol I feel kind of depressed too and sometimes I stop being depressed because I feel like there is no reason to be depressed and when I feel lazy to do an important thing (like homework) I just go and do it because the faster i finish it the faster i can get on with other things and I alsways say to myself that if I don't do something important and just be lazy all day then I wont be able to be lazy in the future.

Good Luck

[Cyber-chair]

Holy shit. Are you me?

[teh awezomg [flo]]

Yo there! I think your problem is far away from a depression... in your case it is more the motivation-thing, that gives you the bad feelings. People who work on something, that is much too easy for them (like the homework for you) feel automatically bored in what they are doing. Perhaps you dont get the feeling of being bored, well there is this feeling, but it gets overtrumped by the angriness or a frustration you feel about yourself not making the homework!

The second Problem: Back in your head you always know, that there is homework to do. That there is something you should have finished. And those feelings, you try to forget perhaps, dont automatically go away. You get to the point, where you can't just say: "I feel bad because i didnt do my homework" because you forgot, where your bad feelings come from.

Try to get a system in your day. Find another more challening hobby than sitting on your Computer (drawing, drumming... anything you could enjoy). Try to find out where your skills are and what you like the most (also in school). Think about homework as something that just has to be done and you have to go through. Focus on what has to be done and look at your free-time as award for finishing possible boring homework.


Hope some of my written text can help you a little bit. I think its difficult to give you a clear "answer" because its hard to get a clear idea of your feelings. (what exactly do you feel during sitting on your computer... possible problems with your parents etc.) If you want, we could chat some time, perhaps it would be less unprecise from both sides :)

Sorry for my shitty english, need to get into it again.

[Veevee]

FUCK
depression.

Ah
..
that felt good :D

[John X a.k.a. Googol(istic)]

What she said

[Ryan]

but, but, but, if there was no depressions what would happen to the humps?!

[Chozz]

I can relate to this in quite a big proportion. I usually feel happy safe and hidden behind my computer. Just like you I have to push myself to do things. I find it quite a struggle to get up for work every single day, and everyday I look for an excuse to skive off (even though it's really not a bad job, i feel uncomfortable, a waste of space, and just generally whats the point?).

I've always been so stubborn too, i've always tried to deny the fact that I do have something wrong with me, hiding behind drugs and alchol ; saying 'I can make it through this on my own'.

You can make it through on your own, your number one. But as someone said earlier, live for the moment that is now. Look for the passion. There's no point in just 'existing', you have to 'live'. And if talking to someone helps, or even a pill, don't knock it and fight it. The only way to beat it is to accept it.

One thing i've learnt from everything, my most important lesson ever. "time doesn't heal anything, you just get used to hurting".

Just keep at it, you'll find something that will push you. Its a crazy life.

[Ewan]

I feel the same. Possibly not so extremely but I still feel it pretty bad. Doing any kind of boring, tedious studying that SHOULD be very easy for me just makes my head hurt. I put up mental blocks against it and find excuses to not do it. Then I feel bad afterwards cause I haven't got it done and it's still bothering me and making me feel like shit. On the other hand, if I'm inspired to do something (like computer programming or photography, to give two examples of things I like doing) I can completely own at it.

The best way I've found to deal with it is just to treat it how it is - a stupid bit of work I've got to do in order to succeed in an area of life that ultimately I DO want to succeed in (right now that is getting into college because it will make socialising easier and be a whole lot of fun, I hope.) It's unpleasant and boring but if I just focus on it for however long I need to then it will be gone and I'LL FEEL SO GOOD!

Or you could take a totally different path, flunk it completely and become amazing at something you actually enjoy doing and are good at. Best of luck to you!

[teh awezomg [flo]]

I think it's anyway very possitiv as long as you have things to do, that you really like, and you're good at.
Perhaps it can turn bad if you got more and more work that should be done and someday its just too much to know where to begin (sometimes there are lots of different problems and tasks, that want be forgotten). -> Will lead to inner stress and you wont be able to focus on things you normally like very much...

So as you said, get rid of your homework or whatever by just doing it and your mind will be free, and open for new things :)