My achievement

[Santa K.]

Today I had such an achievement, I went to complete strangers and asked, if they wanted to get acquainted. Of course, they agreed. But they weren't really trying too hard to pull me out of my uncomfortable state, I felt more like I was the one who was trying to pull them out. Besides it seemed a bit that they were scared of me. I think that most people would feel more uncomfortable if they were approached not approaching. This possibility hadn't come to my mind, before I tried this, but if I think about it - people in my country are quite reserved and distant. I know that junkies and alcocholics are easy to approach, but "normal" people - they really would feel kinda scared and be suspicious (people in my country distrust others and are dubious about their motifs). On the other hand, I don't really feel that "normal" people are my kind of people. I suspect that I have a tendency to startle people with the way I talk, because I'm very open and frank and talk about topics which some people might find unacceptable. But the thing is, that these topics are the ones that are most interesting for me. I hate talking about the usual stuff.

And the other thing - I'm a girl and many people find me very attracitve, besides I have a slutty way of dressing. It seems that if I start talking to a guy, he thinks I wanna fuck with him. It annoys me, this very big possibility that somebody's talking to me just because he wants to fuck.

[Martin aka Mithadis]

Yeah, "normal" people usually don't start conversations with complete strangers, unless they want something, like to sell them some crap or whatever ;) That's why people are very cautious when some strangers approaches them without any important reason.

It really sucks, because when they feel uneasy, you start to feel uneasy as well, and the whole conversation starts to feel kinda weird. One really needs to be very easy-going and confident to be able to approach others with ease and keep it up even if the other person doesn't seem interested or happy with that at first.

[Santa K.]

Actually, I kinda feel confident, if the other person feels uncomfortable. It gives you power :)

[Lloyd Roger Spencer]

Hi, thanks for this. You raise some issues that I have personally felt too, but from a guy’s perspective. I have been conscious also because I thought the Girl I approached and am talking too might think exactly what you have pointed out (That I simply want to fuck them or that I have an ulterior motive). We can get ourselves in a big mess when we are trying to take into account what the other person is thinking and feeling along with what we are. I think part of the art is realising that we cannot control another person’s reaction to our actions, in this case simply starting a conversation. I think all we can do is try come from a place of sincerity (not have an ulterior motive) and if the individual we are conversing with cant see that, then it is simply time to move on and try with another individual who can see the sincerity in our actions.

To share something that happened to a friend recently, she was on the tube and gave someone a compliment on their shoes, the person simply looked at her and called her a weirdo. Now it would have been easy for her to have been effected by this scenario but she simply carried on about her day, laughed it off and carried on to someone else open to her friendliness.

Peace

[Santa K.]

I sometimes say to people "I like you, but I don't want to fuck with you" or simply "I won''t fuck with you"

[Daniel]

interested to hear the responses you get to comments like that, hearing "i like you, but i don't want to fuck with you" has to be some place near the top of the weirdest and last things to expect to hear from someone i've only just met :P although yeah, i do understand where you're coming from, and why you might feel the need to make it clear. a lack of flirting would also keep a boundary in place??

anyway, they say the first step is always the hardest, in this case i'd say it's true :) it's also a taster, of which... it doesn't sound you've enjoyed too much. for the record, i think most people are simply "normal" to us till you open them up a little. i'll only ever speak to a person if i have a reason to most of the time, say if i want to know where a person got his t-shirt :P still, the response to "interesting" topics i guess would depend on the person, most questions sent my way are met with intrigue, it's very rare to be stopped for a conversation though i find. people just don't do that on the move.

something i also find weird, is how, simply feeling you're affiliated with another person can somehow open up the pathway to conversation SO damn much easier... say if i sat down at a table filled with people i'd never met, there'd be no reason for them to make any effort whatsoever... but at a party!... it's almost as if it's simply "being polite" to make an effort, it fuzzles me every time how fluent conversation is... when people feel they're there for the same reason / purpose as those around them... whereas in the street, there's no telling where anyone's headed / what they're up to, which i guess makes it harder... as you're to "go out of your way" to find the common ground for yourself, rather than being stuck with them and making the most of it :P it's just this whole thing with "hassle" again i suspect

[Santa K.]

no, I enjoyed it, it was cool. All the things I mentioned weren't about this particular situation. And I don't really say "I won't fuck with you" to everyone I meet, I say it when I feel that the time has come. It sometimes just feels like it needs to be made clear. But this wasn't that time.

[Vinay]

Daniel, the situation you described with 'affiliations' and parties is not very puzzling at all. People go to parties with the expectation of socializing with others, and having others socialize with them. That's what parties are for. Therefore it's natural and easy to go to a party and socialize.

As another example, think of the I-Power website and community. There are a lot of people here talking about self-development and their lives with complete strangers, and yet if you tried to do the same on the street, it would be much more difficult. Why? Because when you visit this website, you do so with the expectation of talking about self-development. That same expectation does not exist on the street.

[Daniel]

yeah sorry :) i thought i'd covered a little of that with my blurb on "reason / purpose". even so, the same thing happens in pubs and such (where most people also go specifically to kick back and socialise), all sectioned off into groups... it won't be until one person makes some kind of move, until one person introduces themselves or suddenly sees somebody familiar and speaks up, that everyone will start to mingle. by "weird" i didn't mean confusing, i meant... just plain weird :P being that there's a barrier between strangers sat in a bar when there's no connection, yet the second you introduce that "affiliation" mentioned, things move so quickly from 2 separate groups, to one entire. the barrier becomes that much weaker when people think there's a connection, even though nothing's really changed at all (which was where that stuff on "making an effort" being the "polite" thing to do came in... surely that, over some kind of weird "acceptance" into the "cool kid club" :P)

[Roko]

I think approaching feels more uncomfortable then being approached, but that's just my opinion. Like when you are approaching, you are wondering what the person is going to say, and sometimes you chicken out, and you feel like you don't have any control, but that is your mind tricking you into thinking that because you are basically the one in control, so there is a lot more responsibility in making yourself sound and look more interesting(body language), so the person can warm up to you. It's good that you are at least trying to approach random people, so keep that going. Eventually you will feel comfortable talking to just about anyone.

[Marcel]

Cool that you got yourself to talk to random strangers !

Keep up the good work ^^ I'm still trying to cross the fear-line.. =x

[Roko]

Dude try to blank out your mind when you are approaching random strangers. When you do this you are able to ignore the voice inside your head that is telling you to "Don't do it!" No second thinking!

[Alan]

So you telling us this because you want to fuck? I don't understand.

Seriously though, it seems like people are reserved and distant everywhere. It's like we're addicted to our privacy. I'm just as guilty of this as anyone, though when I'm out in public nowadays it's really for a specific purpose and I would really rather not be bothered because my lungs had to be resectioned (7 times) from a fatal injury last year and any bit of exercise, including walking, eventually grows uncomfortable after a while, even though I'm supposed to get out and exercise to build them. But yeah, I have good reason to want to be left alone and I suspect others do as well, though under normal circumstances I'll have to agree with Rokomo that one tends to be less nervous being approached than to approach a complete stranger, so being able to do so with ease is quite an accomplishment.

I can see why guys think sex when you walk up to them. Don't you think you can change that by dressing more conservatively, if you're seeking more mature conversation? You might even have more mature guys walking up to you to talk.

Here's a question, how often do you find yourself wishing a guy would come up to you and entertain you for a few minutes? Versus, how often would you rather be left alone? I'm sure I'm not the only one here who would like to hear your take on this.