Should you let your partner be "free" in the relationship?

[Mr. White]

One interesting definition I read of "to love someone" is "to let them be free in their own choices and personality, and be who they want to be." Personally I think the definition is a little flawed but it's an interesting perspective.

So my question is, how far would you go in a relationship to let your partner be free? Let's say your girl/boyfriend wanted 12 piercings, or wanted to travel the world when you don't, or to take up a dangerous sport you don't condone of, or let's say she/he denies the holocaust ever happened and believes this firmly; or worse yet, what if they absolutely loved and respected you but believed that monogamy was unnatural, and found it healthiest and most beneficial if you both got over it and involved other people in your "open relationship" (provided that on all other levels this girl/guy is perfect for you.) Where do you draw boundaries for your partner, how "free" are they in a relationship with you?

I'm kind of in the middle on this, so I just want to hear some thoughts.

[john]

Some of those thing’s are in my view basically a violation of my own personal freedom and so can't be accepted.

[Vinay]

It's much easier to say it this way: you and your partner should both share common values, attitudes and desires. If piercings disgust you (attitude) then you shouldn't be in a relationship with that person. If you disagree on monogamy (value) then you shouldn't be in a relationship with that person. If your partner wants to travel the world, and you don't (desire) then you shouldn't be in a relationship with that person. These are the things you need to come to an agreement on before making commitments and forming emotional bonds/dependencies.

[Michael]

Succinct, and full of wisdom :)

[Natasha]

Vinay summarized it beautifully. If a person has beliefs or desires with which you disagree strongly, then you're better off not trying to have a romantic relationship with him/her.

P.S: I believe that if you're using words like ''let'' or ''allow'' in a relationship, then you're starting the whole thing with the wrong point of view. People shouldn't feel they have to ask their partner's permission or give their partner's permission for doing anything.

[Alan]

Vinay's right. If she's such a problem, then why are you with her? Obviously she can't be that perfect. Or maybe you're too uptight. That's a decision you'll have to make, and no one else.

You're missing the big picture though: how can she be perfect for you if she pisses you off so much?

[David Carsley-Bromilow]

I agree with this. If you're partner is making so many decisions in life which conflict with your own beliefs or values, this would conflict in the wider picture and you can't possibly love her if these decisions piss you off on such a regular basis. Yes, differences within relationships do occur, but too many may get in the way of the relationship all together. I believe that if so many activities and decisions need to warrant asking your partner for permission, there shouldn't even be a relationship here in the first place. Find someone you do have things in common with, where decisions and opinions are natural, not were "permission" is necessary.

[Mvision]

Ofcourse you should let your partner be free in the relationship.

That doesn't mean you need to stimulate her to do destructive things for your relationship.
It's a good thing to have discussed things on beforehand, so that both know exactly what the other feels about it.
There should be no such thing as "I forbid", but you're freedom to express your feelings and make your opinion clear about stuff like this matters.

If principles clash too much, a relationship isn't a very good idea in the first place. We call someone "relationship-material" for a reason. But no-one ever thinks 100% the same way. And you shouldn't want them to.

[z-man]

It depends on relationship to relationship.
And the people involved.

I and my GF are polyamore, and this freedom not to restrict to only one partner has incerased our relationship with even deeper love for each other. Especially because we realize both that even though there might be others, we do choose do be each other. But polyamory only works when all partners are psychologically pretty stable.
Now does this mean that we have sex and relationships with tons of people? The answer is NO! Because you have the freedom, it does not mean that you HAVE to do it.

I di let go some of my previous ex-girlfriends. They went on a path that I could not follow, so I told her that she did expect me to change in such a way that I could not be my own self anymore. I could only go so far, but if she goes further on that path then she will have to find someone else to do that. So she did.

I never like that my GF enforces some rules on me. When that happens, time to go. But if she talks to me and tells me that she has a hard time with some things I am doing, then I ill try to change my behavious if it is possible and if it makes sense.

Ah yes, if your partner says something like this "monogamy is not natural, get over it and try experimenting with others". This is no polyamore partner! It is just someone very selfish!

[z-man]

I agree this is a big problem we have to be careful with.

In my situation I only do not use condoms with my primary partner since we have been together for 5 years now and I do know that she is someone that does not take risks and she does know that from me too. But any new partner I get I will take precautions like condoms. And I expect her to do so. The good thing about polyamory is that the people you are involved in are not one-night stands. you see them often and learn soon if they are to be trusted enough.

Unlike monogamy relationships where you cheat on your partner, chances are bigger that you will not use precautions since it happens unexpected. And unlike polyamore relationships you will probably not dare to tell it to your partner, so you might end up infecting her with a STD that she did not know you had it.
In case of polyamore relationships , where openness and honesty is the basis you will tell your partner that you had unsafe sex (maybe the condom snapped) so from now on we will use condoms until we have a medical test again to tell it is all green.

The only sad thing is that some fake people misuse the word polyamory for their own selfish quest to get more partners and they do not care about STD or so. I will avoid having sex with women that show risky behavior and has too many partners and show that they are not honest to their own partners because these are fake polyamore partners.

[z-man]

ur sayng monogamous relationships cant be honest ?
I never said that, but the tendency to lie to your partner is bigger if met this other woman you had an interesting talk with but do not dare to say this to your partner just in case she would not like it.

dont make it sound like polyamory is more honest and open
You are forced to be more open an honest otherwise polyamory just explodes. Even worse, being dishonest in a polyamorie relationship has a zero tolerance. I dumped my secondary partner about a year ago because she was hiding the fact that she was actively hiding new boyfriends.

Warning: I am not promoting polyamory and I will discourage people to even try it! Until they are really really sure they want it. I just want to give my viewpoint,

Ok Alex, imagine this situation. You are in a monogamous relationship for 5 years and suddenly you encounter this gorgeous girl and suddenly you are in love again. Will you tell this to your partner at home? This situation happens during a mid-life crisis with 99% of the men.

Also hard statistics is that about 45% women and 55% of the men cheat. So chances that this
will happen to you or your partner in your relationship will be 75%.

Do you think that you will dare to tell her about it? And do you think that your partner will dare to tell you it about? Will you tell it to your partner immediately, or will you wait until your partner is about to discover it?

[Vinay]

You are forced to be more open an honest otherwise polyamory just explodes

Where are you getting this idea that honesty is more important in a polyamory relationship? Honesty and communication are equally important in any relationship. There should be no tolerance for dishonesty in any relationship.. friendship, romantic, monogamous or polyamorous, whatever. Any relationship will fail with dishonesty, and I think you're lying to yourself if you think polyamory is special in this regard.

If you're in a relationship with someone for 5 years, and then you encounter a gorgeous girl and are "suddenly in love", your relationship is worthless and you are worthless as a romantic partner. Everyone feels attraction (whether they're in a relationship or not) but if you allow yourself to let it develop into infatuation (or even worse, explore it) while being in a relationship, then that relationship must not have held any value to you in the first place (irrespective of whether it was monogamous or polyamorous).

[z-man]

but if you allow yourself to let it develop into infatuation (or even worse, explore it) while being in a relationship, then that relationship must not have held any value to you in the first place

If I see this, then I will predict that you will be the first one to cheat on your girlfriend!
You are in search for something that cannot realistically exist in the real world. But it will take many years before your will discover this to be true.