Should you let your partner be "free" in the relationship?

[Mr. White]

One interesting definition I read of "to love someone" is "to let them be free in their own choices and personality, and be who they want to be." Personally I think the definition is a little flawed but it's an interesting perspective.

So my question is, how far would you go in a relationship to let your partner be free? Let's say your girl/boyfriend wanted 12 piercings, or wanted to travel the world when you don't, or to take up a dangerous sport you don't condone of, or let's say she/he denies the holocaust ever happened and believes this firmly; or worse yet, what if they absolutely loved and respected you but believed that monogamy was unnatural, and found it healthiest and most beneficial if you both got over it and involved other people in your "open relationship" (provided that on all other levels this girl/guy is perfect for you.) Where do you draw boundaries for your partner, how "free" are they in a relationship with you?

I'm kind of in the middle on this, so I just want to hear some thoughts.

[Vinay]

Do you also believe that I will kill the first person to make me angry?

[Michael]

"Also hard statistics is that about 45% women and 55% of the men cheat. So chances that this
will happen to you or your partner in your relationship will be 75%"

Even if these statistics are correct, and even if your math was correct(it's not), they have no significant bearing on what happens in relationships. Please feel free to explain your math, how did you get 75%?

"imagine this situation. You are in a monogamous relationship for 5 years and suddenly you encounter this gorgeous girl and suddenly you are in love again. Will you tell this to your partner at home? This situation happens during a mid-life crisis with 99% of the men."

If you are 'suddenly in love again', then you were no longer in love with your previous partner before you met 'this gorgeous girl'.

So, am I to understand that in polyamorous relationships, you expect to fall out of love with your partner-so you overcompensate by being 'more open'?

I don't understand polyamory, but it sounds like you are throwing the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak. A relationship is built on trust-both from what you say to each other, and what you don't say. I wouldn't be happy in a relationship if my partner expected me to divulge a stimulating conversation I had with another woman simply because I might cheat. She should trust me not to cheat, and my relationship should be tested. By introducing this extra 'honesty clause' in your relationship, you are inadvertently cheapening the very trust you hope to cultivate.

[Michael]

"Unlike monogamy relationships where you cheat on your partner, chances are bigger that you will not use precautions since it happens unexpected. And unlike polyamore relationships you will probably not dare to tell it to your partner, so you might end up infecting her with a STD that she did not know you had it."

How did you come to this conclusion? Have you considered the possibility that if you don't like one of the people that your partner wants to sleep with, she may do it anyway and not tell you? As far as we know, the chances are exactly the same. Granted I do not understand the dynamics of polygamous relationships.

[z-man]

Have you considered the possibility that if you don't like one of the people that your partner wants to sleep with, she may do it anyway and not tell you?
Yes it happened once, so I dumped her once I discovered it 2 months later.

There was only one guy that I did not like, she could have been open and honest and talk about it. This is what polyamory has as basic core function in order to work. Communicate, communicate, communicate and be honest.

Instead of choosing to talk to me, she avoided to tell about him since I got nervous about him. This fueled my nervousness even more to a point that I did not trust this guy anymore.
The funny thing is that if she had talked about him, and proved to me that it is a really good guy that takes care of her and has no bad interest, then she would have had this go.
The thing is that I NEED trust by my partners, I cannot risk that my other partner get this STD because I had one partner that lied to me and I trusted her. Risk management about STD’s also tells me that I need to trust the new partner, so very important that she tells me about him so I get convinced that he is safe. As a polyamore you do not start with a new partner unless you have talked about it to your other partners and be sure that they all agree to it. (The dynamics is actually much more complicated, never perfect no time to explain this all)

And I repeat it is not for everyone!

[Radu Cornea]

Wow, story of my life, man. Thank you for these words here. I've learned my lesson.

[z-man]

A few years ago I saw 2 young couples on TV discussing open relationships.

One couple was very open, the partners had the freedom to have sex with others, the other couple was very strict monogamous.

What was weird was that the open couple never had sex with someone because they had the freedom so there was no rush. But the strict monogamous couple where the boy had to ask his GF for permission to do things every time, did had sex with the first chance he got since next time he might not have this chance again and his controller GF was on holiday.

What I mean, that some partners need somehow some father or mother figure to tell them what they could do and what they are allowed to do.

[z-man]

The differnce was that it was not a US show! ;-)

It was a show on a Dutch Channel, nothing impressive just talking about open and closed relationships.

I agree, reality shows are all fake!

[Bart Skraeling]

let your partner be free untill she/he crosses the line, then u judo-throw-her-ass-on-the-street

[z-man]

This only works if you clearly define your boundaries and is very tricky. You need some fault tolerance, though.

Imagine this, a girl has a crush on you, have a set up she kisses you by surprise and another girl takes a photo. She now sends this photo you kissing her to your girlfriend hoping that she dumps you and she has now a go for you. Have you crossed your girlfriend boundaries? Has she the right to dump you?

[Bart Skraeling]

she has the right to dump me whenever she want's. i will explain the situation to her, if she don't believe me she doesn't trust me. women who don't trust me i can't trust, so then she'll be thrown out.

[Anthony "AJ" Haugh]

I believe that my partner should be free to be who they are, and should only have to make minimal concessions between the two of us in order to make the relationship work.

If I have/she has that much of a problem with one another's attitudes, then clearly the relationship will not work. It makes no sense for me to demand that my partner changes who she is, if I have this much of a problem with who she is, then clearly we are not compatible. I do not go into a relationship liking someone for who they should be, but rather who they are to begin with.

[z-man]

I agree, just very important is to tell her that something is going wrong as soon as possible!

Don’t wait until you are at a point of no return, because in my experiences people do things believing that the other person likes it only to discover that the person always said it was good not to hurt your feelings. You both have been wasting a lot of time and energy on something you thought the other liked but in reality did not like it.

Also realize that if you say now that you cannot do this, that it means that in a year you cannot do this. People change, don’t assume things about people, go and talk about it to check if it is still a problem.