skepticism from friends to aproaching strangers

[TB]

I mentioned the idea of approaching strangers to my friends and what they said was that they could already do it with ease if they wanted to, they didn't see a point in doing it and said that people dont want to be approached when they are out in the street. They where kind of negative when i tried to explain. I wanted to go out with them to approach people so we could all learn from it and motivate each other.

why are they denying the fact that they still have this barrier that keeps them from approaching strangers?. i know they still fear it because when we needed info from a stranger everyone was telling the others to do it, i was just waiting to see who would ask a stranger but nobody did so i ended up doing it.

Who else has friends like these ?.

im pretty disappointed they are the only friends i have and they are not open to anything, except safe conversation like the weather or sports but when it gets personal they just dont want to hear anything.

also i need advice on how to start talking to people that i don't know i dont feel anxious when thinking of doing it but so far i haven't made any attempts.

[Daniel Lockwood]

The "I could do it if I wanted to" excuse is common and, yeah, it usually means, "I say I don't want to, because I don't want to admit I couldn't do it." In this case though, I think it's legit. What do people want? Not the stranger's friendship or t. What I think most people want is to feel comfortable and happy, being around others, without fear of judgement or fear of rejection. Boundaries are important, as long as they are under your control. The goal is not to break them, but transcend them. You must retain your ego, and some of your reservations, to do this.

Personally, I disagree with the idea of approaching "random strangers." I know I'm at odds with Dean and Reese's philosophy on how to become social, but I think the approach is misleading, it doesn't really happen in the real world, and it can largely be unwelcome.

Think of people who are very social, and think about how they have the friends they have now. I guarantee they didn't approach random strangers... they were just living their lives openly and honestly, and encountered people along the way whose company they could enjoy. They probably joined a study group to pass Calculus class, or, more likely, were introduced to them by other friends and family.

Becoming more open and social is a process that builds on itself. This is called "networking." You won't keep up with all of our friends that you meet, but when you run into them, the bond will be strong because (at the core of it) you share a common "history" or "network." When I come across a person who is approachable and I have an excuse to talk (which could be anything in the situation), I just smile and say something almost off-hand about it, and see how the person reacts. If they just look up and smile, I just shrug, smile, and continue what I was doing. It means they aren't really present, or they are more comfortable being left alone. If they look up and make eye contact, then after a second or two, they'll usually make their own comment. To me, that's the secret of sociality. You're just being in the world with someone. The person is in no way "random." They are there in that moment with you, and the best way to enjoy or share that moment is to talk about it with someone who is nearby. When someone is sharing that present moment with you, in whatever situation it is, they are no longer a stranger. They are a neighbor, and you can only approach, and make friends with, people who neighbor you in some way. It's like that moment where you're sitting near to a stranger, doing two completely different things, and then a loud noise goes off. After wondering where it came from, you make eye contact with the "stranger," and at that moment, they become your neighbor. Of course, you never need an excuse to make occasional friendly eye-contact with anyone, but I do think it makes a difference to live assertively, in a way that puts you in a position to always have something appropriate and relevant to talk about. And of course, you get better at knowing what is "appropriate" over time.

[TB]

random is probably not the right word ofcourse you select the people you want to approach on how approachable they look and how you estimate the chance of connecting with that person.

i deleted the random out of the text when i used it regarding strangers.

[Michael]

I agree with Daniel, it is odd to 'randomly' talk with a stranger. I think the problem is that it can come off as forced on your part. There are great nuggets of wisdom in Daniel's last paragraph-there needs to be a connection, no matter how small-it just has to exist. I frequently make friendly/interested eye contact with people around me, and I always feel something(however slight). I can usually get a sense of passiveness or like/dislike. Naturally, I get much more of the former than either of the latter. Now, I wouldn't strike up a conversation unless there is that spark of connection. One, it breaks social conventions, and two-it breaks social conventions. For example: I challenge anyone to cite me a time where you had a word with stranger that led to a conversation when you were walking towards each other(in opposite directions so you pass each other) and had no common distraction(any event where you both look at the same time), neither of you made some sort of spectacle(stumbling, facial expression while on the phone), or if they didn't ask you for directions.

I think it is extremely rare, although one instance i can see is: having a radiant smile on your face for whatever reason, turning around to face a member of the opposite sex(and getting a positive response) and immediately coming out saying something completely genuine, witty, or funny right as you pass, then stopping and waiting for them to turn around-and then either introducing yourself, asking for their number, or inviting them out.

My point is, it is a lot easier to meet people when you aren't on the street. You(and the person of interest), should be relatively stationary, within a moving train, a library, a store, etc. This gives you time to size them up beyond that first glance, and to flirt around with eye contact(if you are looking at a girl).

My advice, go somewhere like a Barnes and Noble(bookstore), or a park, or just take a ride on the subway(if they have them where you live), or the beach, and try and get a feel of what other people think of you via eye contact and body language(if any). If you feel like you have an opening, go over to whoever it is and introduce yourself and ask if you can join them(no particular order), see where it goes from there. The person will either look uncomfortable(don't be offended, just wait 10 seconds or so after you notice it and say it was nice to meet you and leave), or you will exchange small talk(which may die or become interesting), or you will hit it off immediately and become good friends.

I encourage you to try, let us know how it goes!

P.S. I still think it is best to meet people via networking: at your job, school, neighborhood

[Rick]

Most people just want to stay in their comfort zones so it's understandable that your friends are scared of approaching strangers.Sure you can make friends with the people who happen to wander into your life but there's so many other people out there. You could hardly even meet 1% of the people in the world so there's no point confining yourself.

The idea that you need an excuse to talk to people is pretty bizarre when you think about it. Everyone would like to meet a cool person if they were just out shopping or something. You can easily make someone's day. I can guarantee you'll learn a lot about yourself if you try it.

[Mr. White]

Haha, yeah, "I could do it with easy, I just don't want to" would definitely be the catchphrase of ego if there was one. They're not necessarily bad friends, they just can't let go of their egos.

[TB]

they are actually very good friends. But we just dont think on the same level.
thx for the advice everyone, approaching people who share something with me would make it so much easier i will try to start with that.