The Extent of my girl troubles

[Chucky!]

I'm not sure where to post this so i'm going to post it here.

I have a female friend (me being very shy, so this is rare for me) who i talk to quite a bit and is one of my best friends. The problem i have is a have a 'crush' on them, i have a slight feeling she has a 'crush' on me, but i doubt it. I would ask her out but, i'm afraid that if she says "no", we won't talk again and i will lose a good friend.

Any suggestions?
(constructive criticism please, i'm only a kid (15))

[eb0lc00kiez]

"be who u are and say wat u feel
because those who mind dont matter
and those who matter dont mind "

Thats a very 'strong' quote imo.

[vic]

I know you are shy and 15 and you have a crush, but you need to think about this logically. What is this relationship to you and what more do you want out of it. (Why do you want to go out with her, how do you think that will positively change your relationship.) Is this girl just someone you want to have sex with? Do you want to have a long-term intimate relationship with her? Besides having a crush, why would it be good (for both of you) to date? If you do date, it will change your friendship in some way. But that will happen either way, you're going to change a lot throughout high school so it's expected. Just ask her.

[Alan]

"Is this girl just someone you want to have sex with? Do you want to have a long-term intimate relationship with her? Besides having a crush, why would it be good (for both of you) to date? If you do date, it will change your friendship in some way. But that will happen either way, you're going to change a lot throughout high school so it's expected. Just ask her."

So confuse the poor lad! The thing we should be focusing on here way above everything he said is that he is 15 years old!!

Kid. Every 15 year old male who talks to girls goes through this. If you lose her, trust me, it won't be the end of the world. It will probably feel like it for a few days, but you will eventually find that it isn't. I'm not saying try to lose her. I'm trying to say don't worry. Even better, don't even think about where the friendship is going.

What I'm about to say is something no one tells you, but you find out anyway growing up, and you will find this out too even if you don't listen to me. If it's going to work with you two, you two will realize that magic spark of love eventually. Unfortunate for just about the majority of the male population, it's been convention to make a game out of seduction/attraction -- to even study anthropology to have an "edge" in the "game". Well games are for children, ya feel me? You will find, and girls unfortunately eventually find, that these guys have an expiration date on their forehead when it comes to relationships. They tend not to last as lovers, but this is perhaps a bit advanced for this discussion.

Love is a real, natural thing that occurs between human beings, no matter what foolish behavior you portray. The only snag in this is that very often you have 2 seconds to make a first impression with a girl you find attractive, and in this case it helps to be able to make a good impression. But beyond that, she's eventually either going to love you, or not. So there's no need to worry or even think about where this friendship is going.

So what now? Well, as I think vic was getting to, you're either a very mature teenager who respects this young lady as well as simply enjoy her companionship, or most odds are you're just horny for her. I was a very mature teenager in this respect, and I have a feeling you're about 80%-20% on this, respectively. Being afraid to talk to someone you already have established good rapport with tells me that you are starting to develop an emotional connection with this girl. But realize this is the beginning of a long voyage of various tender feelings for many different girls who will go in and out of your life with various levels of success. Which is why I stress above everything man, don't sweat what the future holds with this girl!!! TRUST ME man.

You will feel so much deeper for some girl to come along in your future, and crash sooo much harder than you're afraid of crashing right now. And take it from a survivor of multiple gunshot wounds, it won't kill ya. The worrying about what might happen if it goes wrong is actually not only making the possible rejection worse (since you're doubly feeling pain from worry, and then from rejection), but also making the possibility more likely that you will be rejected by being nervous from this worrying.

Do you see now why I say not to worry? Consider it just a bad thing all around. There is not a single way worrying about how she will react, that I can think of, and I've been through your situation enough to know better from experience, will actually help you.

So just focus on remaining calm. You can do that. What might help, as stupid as it might sound, is to attain the feeling of calm at will, just to remind yourself and your body what it feels like. Not to be tense, but to be calm. Be happy to see her. She's becoming a special person to you, and it's possible (BUT NOT A GUARANTEE) that she is thinking you're starting to be special to her. Don't run away from your feelings, but just take it slow. Work on being honest with each other! Be each other's confidant. Earn trust. Trust and communication are huuuge things when it comes to love.

Any questions?


P.S. You'd be surprised how many times I've had girls simply change their mind and get closer with a shallow hornball of a guy, so for your sake don't worry about it, but don't be surprised if it happens either. Remember, girls at your age are just as confused as you are, and even more insecure than you are, believe it or not. Girls who do mean things to guys only do it because they can't handle mean things done to them -- sorta like a strike-first defense, if that makes sense (you'll find a lot of things girls do don't make any sense).

[Chucky!]

Well, you mentioned trust and being honest in there somewhere (not sure where) and i would like to say that, she said that she has never lied to me (and i have not lied to her) and i have been complimenting her, and trying my best to flirt, but i just suck at it... and yea, she has been complimenting me, but anyway... i completely agree with what you said, and, i like to consider that i am mature teenager, or at least i don't believe my motives are sexually based, although i might be wrong...anyway, thanks everyone for the help

[Vinay]

Ok, for the serious advice. I'm not going to advise you to be super-rational and think long term about whether she is a suitable partner or whatever, because I'm pretty sure if you had a good idea of who you are and/or who she is, and what you want, you wouldn't have created this topic. That's OK - you're young and still in the process of developing intellectually and emotionally (not to mention physically!), so this is normal.

Basically, what I'm going to say is this: Don't ask her out. Do not ask her out. On a date. In my opinion, "formal dating" is a stupid ritual that obfuscates and denigrates real relationship development. It's especially made worse in this situation where you have almost no certainty about the way she feels (and not much certainty about your own, I would say). Basically, just keep hanging out with her. Keep talking with her and keep doing things (activities) with her like you normally do. Be honest and true to yourself in the way you behave.. don't act, just live. Eventually it will get to the point where you two are hanging out a lot, alone. At this point you will be much more certain that your feelings of attraction, infatuation or affection are being reciprocated, and things will develop romantically of their own accord (you won't have to "make moves").

If it doesn't get to that point, then I'm sorry to say that she probably isn't attracted to you, at least not in the way that you may be to her; in which case, you should give up any dreams of romance and move on with your life :)

[Adela]

mah homeslice is soo smrt!

[Alan]

Yeah, good advice, and I'll add to make a point to show your interest in her. Because if she's wondering if you like her, chances are she's going to find someone else before you had a chance to "make your move".

And in making your move, I don't mean one monumental action professing your everlasting love for her. I mean simply showing you're interested in her beyond friends. Because like I said, if you don't, some more assertive and probably less deserving guy with less in common will show his interest and she will likely go with him because you haven't given her reason to proceed with you. She'll go with him by default, which is a mistake.

[Chucky!]

i have made progress, (at least i think its progress), i have showed my interest in her and she has acknowledged it, but she has decided that she won't date anyway else until next year because she has to get over her past relationship, so i guess i try 'making my move' (by your definition) next year, and hopefully she will have similar feelings for me :S (this is about as optimistic as i can be :P)

thanks for the advice :P

[Josh Kronoff]

Ughh, the dreaded friend zone.

From personal experience, and from advice on Ipower here (thanks again guys ^^) is the worse way to go for when you have a crush on someone, however it seems like the best way to go if you think about it (talk a lot etc etc) but is usually the hardest to fix if she says no, and less chance of success because she will be thinking what YOU are thinking too. that she's afraid that it could ruin your friendship, and that's what tends to screw me over =P

I say just go for it, it will feel a lot better to just be straight up with her then to wait and watch her end up with some other guy, which will suck A LOT.

Good luck on however you plan to go about this situation.

[Alan]

Honestly, I think the "friends zone" gets a bad rap. The only way I can see this "friends zone" being a bad thing is if you're assuming that she's the last female on the planet. In fact, as I mature in the ways of relationships and such, the more confidence I find in telling girls how I feel about them. Why? Because if I'm telling her this, she and I have already established a nice rapport and the worst that could happen, really, is that you've made her feel attractive and that she knows that you're single and looking to date. And since you're now her friend, who knows if the opportunity might arise that she has a friend in the same position as you? So really, even if you don't get the date, you're expanding your opportunities to get one in the future.

You might be rightfully concerned that it might change the context of your friendship, but this is only an issue when your personal feelings have yet to mature. By personal feelings, I mean with both self-esteem and how you react emotionally to those around you. A mature friendship would simply acknowledge the attraction, realize whether or not both parties want to pursue it further and if not, no big deal.

Frankly, you're better off being big enough to be comfortable with rejection (ie. even if rejected, you are still content with everything around you that you still have) than to avoid rejection and people who have rejected an intimate relationship with you. You can't let rejection get you down like that. It really works against your prospects of finding someone keen enough to put up with you in a relationship heh.

[Ewan]

I've been friends with most of the girls I've been out with before we get together. It's never really been a problem. A couple (out of the ones I've shown interest in) have just wanted to stay friends but I don't really try to avoid this 'friend zone'.

[eb0lc00kiez]

I've been in the exact same situation as you are in now, she was my best friend for about 4 years, but i started to like her after a year or so and I was just too shy to tell her, we started dating about 17 months ago and we recently broke up but we're still best friends. We don't hate each other or whatever because we've known each other for such a long time, she knows how I think and vice versa. I really don't regret our relationship and I believe that if we're really meant to be that we'll be fine some day.

Hope this story kinda cheered you up, cus all I'm trying to say really is to have patience. If she doesn't want you right now, she will when she's ready and you should just respect her and wait until she is ready to have another relationship. I think the best you can do right now is just be friends and have as much fun with her as you can. Because the more fun you guys have, the more you get to like each other.